A quote from a song keeps coming to mind

"Well you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
or the moment of truth in you lives,
when everything feels like the movies,
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive."

One thing I can say is that when you shatter your leg, you have a lot of time to think. Not on any one subject, you have days, weeks, months of time with no filler, no change, no definition. I've recalled nearly lost moments with fierce clarity, and dabbled over others, recalling the insight i had only recently found into it. You truely don't want to think of the moment that put you where you are, so you think back to all the other moments, the ones that are full of joy, happiness, hope, insperation, love, and also the ones full of pain, sorrow, lose, anger, and hate.

What I've learned is that the pain was never as bad as I thought it was, none of it. Even this pain is nothing compared to the pain i'm sure many others have gone through, pain that I probably still have waiting for me in my future. I've lost the girls i've cared about, but never did I stop to think about what it must be like to lose your wife and children after 20 years of blissful marriage. I just sulked and cried, oblivious to everything in the world beyond my pain. You can say it's only human, but it seems as though it's a weakness in us.

I've been trying to take this pain with a grain of salt. What completely surprises me is how quickly I lash out in anger at the smallest of things since the accident. Imagine being in a room full of people where there is a very flammable gas constantly being pumped in. That's what I'm like now when I'm around people. Everytime someone scuffs the sole of their shoe against the floor, i, the gas, blow up, hurting everyone there. Then, there's a short time where the room slowly refills with gas once again, and everyone is just waiting for that next little spark.

I've been trying to change it, but I can't understand why it seems that no matter how much i try to keep myself calm and relaxed, I'm still just watching and waiting for the next moment to blow up. To feel that release of energy and anger that somehow helps me to sleep at night. It's not right, nor is it fair to those around me, and I've tried asking them to be calm and patient and try not to make that spark, but it's human nature to be clumbsy, and sure enough, it repeats itself all over again.

Wow, that wore me out. To anyone who takes the time to read this, i just want to say that you should make sure to take good care of yourself and get your vitimans daily. It'll help keep you strong and prevent you from becoming cripple, even if it is only temporarily.

Oy.